The Lord, Life's Lessons and Love!

Last night as I was going to bed it hit me! In about 6 weeks I am going to have 4 kids! 4 KIDS! Who would have thought over twenty years ago, two kids themselves, one in the marching band, the other a cheerleader, no path planned, just in love would three years later get married and enjoy Sixteen years of countless blessings which included giving birth to two amazing children and then have the privilege of being hand selected from our Creator to care for two of His children. What an honor!

But as I went to bed last night I thought about Ryan and Marissa. I actually went into Marissa's bed and snuggled up and we slept in a big bear hug. Here are these two great kids that have opened their hearts once again to a new sibling, with so much excitement and love to give, knowing full well that there goes more of mommy's time, more of "Wait a minute", more of "I can't right now"! But they want to give so much to Mya and Mariah, it just some how comes natural. Love, that's the only way to explain it. It really hit me when I walked into our bedroom last night and laying in our giant king bed was my husband sound asleep nestled beside him was a little black haired sleeping beauty tucked in his arms where only two years prior a little Blonde sleeping beauty would have laid. Of course there are many of nights where I am literally hanging off the edge of the bed because both sleeping beauties are sprawled about our bed. But for some reason last night really tugged at my heart that Ryan and Marissa would so willingly give up their time, their "bed space" their mommy and daddy time, knowing full well that what is gained is far better! They have such big hearts and I thank the Lord every day! They are already talking about a little brother!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have carried two children in my womb and I have almost completed the adoption process twice, and I sit here asking myself which one was far more emotional. They each have there moments, first you try and try (actually years) to become pregnant, there is that moment when you find out your pregnant and there is an instant joy and then a second later, fear sets in. You do everything in your power to not stretch too far, not use chemicals, not sweep (OK, maybe that is a myth, but it sure was nice to have my husband sweep for 9 months!) don't eat that, don't drink that. Oh, and lets talk a little about labor. I don't know how woman give birth with no meds! I salute you, because it is horrifying. Hours of pain that is unexplainable, indescribable. Oh, wait after 20 hours of labor now a csection. Great! Then there are the sleepless newborn nights, the colic, the poop, the endless loads of laundry. But in the scheme of things, deep down you know that you are going to have a baby that has been monitored for 9 months that will instantly come out and you will bond and love the child and they will love you. Its only natural right?

Adoption on the other hand is a hurry and wait tug of war. The paperwork is endless. There is the social worker appointments, the physical appointments, the fingerprint appointments. Drive here, notarize this, authenticate this, fedex this. And the $$$, lets not even go there. Then one fine day you see her!, not by mistake or chance, but God's will and you look at that one list of many out there with thousands of waiting children. You see the beautiful pictures of your child who has been living across the world for years and you fall instantly in love. But wait, don't get too excited, there are two other families that have fallen in love with her too! You must wait until a committee says yes, they have chosen you to be the parents. That wait took 6 weeks. Longest six weeks of my life, but I don't know how I would have handled it had the outcome been different. I think about those other families all the time and wonder if they had found their child. Back to the paperchase! You at this point have compiled a giant stack of personal, medical and other forms that make no sense, you have made 300 copies and one day 2 months later you finally get to send your papers to another country where they then determine if you can parent this child. That wait last 3 months. Then that call comes where you are "approved" to parent your child. But don't jump on a plane quite yet, now you need to wait until they tell you to come. That wait will last another month.

And then there are the unknowns. Will she like us. Will she hate us. Will she be so devastated by grief that she never lets us into her special place in her heart? Is there any underlying illness left undiscovered that when we get her home and become a family, it sneaks its dirty little head out and she becomes ill. What if she is nothing like her files described, the full of life, ready smiled funny little girl that we have been picturing for months. How will we communicated, she speaks Cantonese? What if she grows to hate us, to spite us? It is endless and can drive a person nuts if they sat and dwelled on it. Everyone who has adopted knows about every one of these feelings and experiences. And before you know it, a year of your life has past.

So whether or not you give birth or adopt, they each have there stressful, scary, unpredictable moments and when the moment finally arrives of holding your child, all the fears disappear and the past year of being pregnant or chasing papers seems to be a distant memory. One is physical pain through labor the other is emotional pain through the wait. So I am voting they are equal in the pains of emotions, unknowns and they both are equal in love, joy and happiness. Because in the end it all comes down to building a family and sharing your life with a child and teaching them about the Lord, life's lessons and love. What else can be better?